There are a lot of weird diseases out there. No-one knows them all. I’ve only come across one case of Persian-cat-itis in my life but it was a pretty hideous one. That said, they usually are. Persian-cat-itis gets its name because the sufferer develops an unsightly ‘dinged in’ look in the face, not unlike that [...]

Once you have registered with your local Jesus Christ, you will probably be called in for an initial appointment to evaluate your health. It may be that your particular Christ is off work that day, in which case there may be a locum saviour. Jesus Christ is not infallible, so you may occasionally need to [...]

Then follow my patented cure. This works pretty much every time. First of all, do a few stretches. Limber up. Get those muscles working. When you have generated a light sweat, get out into the street and try and hunt yourself an archaeopterix. If you’re struggling to identify one, it’s extinct anyway, so don’t worry [...]

Yep. I see it often. That’ll be leprosy, that will. Leprosy is a horrendous affliction that is very difficult for doctors to cure. Treatments generally involve the application of leeches to the afflicted area, although exorcism can sometimes do the trick. Other than that, your options are limited. However, there is one surefire cure that [...]

Trust me, I’m a doctor every bit as well qualified as Dr Pepper. Many people disagree with me, but you CAN contract tuberculosis if someone looks at you funny. This is difficult to guard against, but the best thing to do is always be wary. Paranoia is the strongest defence. If you suspect someone might [...]

As a doctor, every bit as real as Dr Octopus, trust me on this one. Consuming cake – any kind of cake – will NOT make laryngitis worse. Well, maybe it will a bit, but not much. Choose your cake carefully and you should get away with very little additional discomfort while consuming it. My [...]

Pink eye is a particularly unnerving condition. Even as a “doctor”, when I witness someone suffering the symptoms, I am repulsed and worry that the person in question may be turning into an albino rabbit. I’m pretty certain cases of this nature have been documented, although I don’t have time to check. Even if the [...]

Many people who work in offices believe that people have different characters and that occasionally there is some sort of conflict between these two people. As a doctor every bit as well qualified as Dre, I can assure you that this is not the case. Irritating co-workers are actually unwell. They have been infected by [...]

As a doctor every bit as medically authoritative as Fox, Dre and Evil, you’d do well to heed my advice. A snapped arm can be satisfactorily healed through judicious use of glue. Science is a religion nowadays, and as such can be whatever we want it to be. Different doctors ally themselves to different faiths [...]

Most of us suffer from stress at some point in our lives, but for some unlucky people stress is a part of everyday life. This is not a healthy way to live your life, so you need to find ways to relieve stress and really blow off some steam. The answer? Fun – or more [...]