Trust me, I’m a doctor every bit as well qualified as Dr Pepper. Many people disagree with me, but you CAN contract tuberculosis if someone looks at you funny.

This is difficult to guard against, but the best thing to do is always be wary. Paranoia is the strongest defence. If you suspect someone might be about to look at you funny, don’t take any chances, lamp them in the chops before they can rearrange their facial features into what I call a ‘risk alignment’.

A risk aligned face can spit tuberculosis up to 90 yards and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

As a doctor, every bit as real as Dr Octopus, trust me on this one. Consuming cake – any kind of cake – will NOT make laryngitis worse.

Well, maybe it will a bit, but not much. Choose your cake carefully and you should get away with very little additional discomfort while consuming it.

My recommendation would be that you go with stottie cake. This may have more to do with my not particularly liking sweet food than anything else, but all the same, that’s my advice – take it or leave it.

And when I say ‘take it or leave it’ what I actually mean is ‘take it’.

Pink eye is a particularly unnerving condition. Even as a “doctor”, when I witness someone suffering the symptoms, I am repulsed and worry that the person in question may be turning into an albino rabbit. I’m pretty certain cases of this nature have been documented, although I don’t have time to check.

Even if the person isn’t about to turn bright white and start nibbling carrots, it may very well be that the pink eye is the earliest stage of zombification. Either way, the only sensible course of action is to quarantine the person in question.

If you have pink eye, do the decent thing.

Many people who work in offices believe that people have different characters and that occasionally there is some sort of conflict between these two people. As a doctor every bit as well qualified as Dre, I can assure you that this is not the case.

Irritating co-workers are actually unwell. They have been infected by a virus that I have termed ‘arseholitis’.

Fortunately, there is an easy cure. Leeches are underutilised in this day and age, but the application of a single leech within the subject’s nostril has been proven to cure arseholitis in my own clinical tests. Unsavoury political opinions were reduced by 10 per cent within just five minutes and annoying whistling noises were eventually eliminated, given successive treatments.

As a doctor every bit as medically authoritative as Fox, Dre and Evil, you’d do well to heed my advice. A snapped arm can be satisfactorily healed through judicious use of glue.

Science is a religion nowadays, and as such can be whatever we want it to be. Different doctors ally themselves to different faiths and advice will differ. The majority of doctors will instruct a patient who has suffered a broken arm to attend a hospital immediately. Others, with different beliefs, will advise that person to apply Pritt-Stick to the bone and hold the arm firmly in place for two minutes while the glue sets.

If this approach does prove unsuccessful, seek genuine medical help immediately.