Trust me, I’m a doctor every bit as well qualified as Dr Pepper. Many people disagree with me, but you CAN contract tuberculosis if someone looks at you funny.

This is difficult to guard against, but the best thing to do is always be wary. Paranoia is the strongest defence. If you suspect someone might be about to look at you funny, don’t take any chances, lamp them in the chops before they can rearrange their facial features into what I call a ‘risk alignment’.

A risk aligned face can spit tuberculosis up to 90 yards and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

As a doctor, every bit as real as Dr Octopus, trust me on this one. Consuming cake – any kind of cake – will NOT make laryngitis worse.

Well, maybe it will a bit, but not much. Choose your cake carefully and you should get away with very little additional discomfort while consuming it.

My recommendation would be that you go with stottie cake. This may have more to do with my not particularly liking sweet food than anything else, but all the same, that’s my advice – take it or leave it.

And when I say ‘take it or leave it’ what I actually mean is ‘take it’.