There are a lot of weird diseases out there. No-one knows them all. I’ve only come across one case of Persian-cat-itis in my life but it was a pretty hideous one. That said, they usually are.

Persian-cat-itis gets its name because the sufferer develops an unsightly ‘dinged in’ look in the face, not unlike that of a Persian cat. The patient may also present with increasingly hirsute body parts and an unusually high love of cream and fish.

Treatment involves the creation of a human-sized catflap and the acquisition of many comfortable places to sleep. The symptoms normally wear off a couple of decades after death.

Once you have registered with your local Jesus Christ, you will probably be called in for an initial appointment to evaluate your health. It may be that your particular Christ is off work that day, in which case there may be a locum saviour.

Jesus Christ is not infallible, so you may occasionally need to ask for a second opinion from an alternative prophet, such as Mohammed. They should all have roughly the same background, but interpretation of symptoms does differ from religion to religion.

Having made a diagnosis, your Christ may not be able to offer you an appropriate treatment, in which case you may be referred to a specialist.

Then follow my patented cure. This works pretty much every time.

First of all, do a few stretches. Limber up. Get those muscles working. When you have generated a light sweat, get out into the street and try and hunt yourself an archaeopterix. If you’re struggling to identify one, it’s extinct anyway, so don’t worry about it.

If you do identify one and you do manage to capture it, you can now let its blood on your sacrificial altar. This should cure your stubbed toe.

Failing that, go and see your local Jesus Christ. If he is unable to cure you, he should be able to refer you to a specialist who can.

Yep. I see it often. That’ll be leprosy, that will.

Leprosy is a horrendous affliction that is very difficult for doctors to cure. Treatments generally involve the application of leeches to the afflicted area, although exorcism can sometimes do the trick.

Other than that, your options are limited. However, there is one surefire cure that is 100 per cent effective. You simply need to encourage Jesus Christ our saviour to touch you with his healing hands.

If you haven’t got a Jesus Christ available in your area, just drink plenty of water and it should hopefully wear off in a day or two.